


The dreams in which im dying

by Gracefanfics



Series: All the damage this family has caused (in the name of love) [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, mentions of eating disorders, self hate, sudical thoughts, use of slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 04:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20669621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracefanfics/pseuds/Gracefanfics
Summary: In ghost of the shadow market l, alec compared growing up to being turned into a silent brother. Like he was dust and stone. But at age 12 we see him friendly and talkative. Here's a peak at how that 12 year old turned into the bitter bitter stone we see at the start of the series





	The dreams in which im dying

**Author's Note:**

> My fics are never edited. Ever
> 
> Headcanons which helped this fic come about: alec started taking over the institute when max was born.
> 
> Max was sickly as a kid 
> 
> Jace and izzy are 2 years younger than alec. 
> 
> This combines both book and show canon
> 
> I might add more chapters from the other characters POV later. Well see.

Alec was 14 when his brother was born. Alec was 14 when his mom and dad sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that he wasnt gay, was never gay, would never be gay. That if he didnt find a wife by the time he was 19 one would be found for him. Alec knew this conversation was coming. For the past year he had slowly started to notice how people spoke about him. The insults and looks of disgust. How every time he was caught looking at any boy he was punished harsher and harsher each time. How his dad kept making more and more jokes about girls and dating. Lately it was all he could do not to leave the room when that happened. He had only done that once but once was enough to learn to never do it again. You need to set a good example for max now that he's born. His mom said. You're father will be spending more time in Idris and I'll need to look after max. His mother said. We need you to help out with the institute. She said. It's far past time you grow up. I know you'll make us proud, she said. 

It took everything alec had not to cry. He knew that crying was a sign that he was weak. Knew that the fact that his parents actually had to tell him to grow up was a sign of how much of a failure he was. " I will" alec had finally choked out. Words had never seemed hard before. But it was now. It was like trying to force lead down his throat. "I'll make you proud." 

That night alec didn't let himself cry in his room. He had to be in charge now. Leaders don't cry. They don't. He didn't let Jace or izzy into his room either. He took down his posters and burned them. (They had been so beautiful to look at) he went through his closet and tried to remember everytime he had worn something and someone had responded with disgust with that look in their eyes and one their lips the one that said what are you a fag? He burned those too. He couldn't bring himself to burn his books. But even child shadowhunters knew books that weren't for studying were forbidden. He hid them in his more empty closet. He tried not to cry. The ashes of his possession felt like his heart. He couldn't get the taste of ash out of his mouth. It tasted of despair. 

"I'm not gay." He said allowed. "I do my duty," he said. Over and over and over again till they were easy to say. Till they were the only thing that was easy to say. 

Tomorrow hed report to his mother and on the way he'd yell at Jace and Izzy when they tried to push him into helping them sneak out of history lessons. He was an adult now. He was in charge now. He couldn't break the rules now. 

Tomorrow he'd dutifully write down the list of things his mother needed to get done and would go and dictate who needed to do what. 

"My mother says" alec would start the sentence, looking at the floor. Because looking was bad bad bad. Looking meant he was gay. 

Looking at the ground was bad bad bad too it turns out. Looking at the ground was a sign of submission. Was a sign of being weak and lesser. 

Looking someone dead in the eye and not looking was harder. It made the words stick more. Everyone here was older than alec. They were all seasoned shadowhunters. But alec looked them in the eyes and said, "my mother says you need to do this" over and over and over. Those words never came easy. Alec was just kid. It wasnt fair.

Nothing was ever easy again. Not even talking to Jace and izzy. And jace was to be his parabithi. Alec decided that joking with them and complaining about their shenanigans was the same thing. Pretended not to see their hurt as he pushed them away. Pretended not to see the more he pushed the more izzy acted out the more she glared at their parents the more she tried to make him smile. 

So what if words were hard? If they stuck in his throat? If he never talked expect to do mission reports around his parents. So what if the extra duties meant he had less time to train? So what if he was always tired and could barely stomach anything because he was nothing but ash inside? He was fine. He wasn't gay. He was doing his duty. He'd make his parents proud yet. It was a long, hard year of trial and error and failure after failure after failure. But by the time he was 15 alec had perfected standing tall when he felt like curling up and crying. By the time he was 15 he could look even the most senior officers in the eye and say "you need to do this" instead of my mother says. He knew how to cover for izzy and Jace. He didn't know how to not be tired. He and Izzy and Jace and their assigned guides patrolled nights. Every night. He had to know who was doing what for the next day before the morning shift. He had to train in the afternoon. And in between he had to run around and check on a million things or a million reports for his mother. He was always tired and never had time to eat and he had never killed a demon. He didn't always hit the bullseye which means he had to train more, train until his fingers bleed. But he was fine. He wasn't gay. He was doing his duty. 

When alec was 16, max was 2 and sleeping through the night. When alec was 16 his father came home for more than 3 days at a time. Alec kept waiting for him to leave again and he never did. Alec tried not to feel hateful when they're dad showered Izzy and Jace with gifts and praise and then would turn to alec and say "what about you sport? Find any nice ladies to hang out with" 

"I'm not gay" alec forced his constant mantra back behind his teeth, he couldn't say that to his dad. It would only prove that he was.  
"No dad" alec said, trying to sound cheerful and to not be hateful. "I've been busy" 

Tried not to feel like even more of himself was crumbling to pieces at his dads look if suspicious. Lucky jace and izzy always had his back. It's TRUE! They'd jump in. He never even comes out with us! And he's so lame all he does is yell at people. 

Alec didn't think he was that bad. He didn't yell at people. Mostly because he was tall enough to see the more senior officers rolling their eyes when alec gave orders. Which was fine because they always did what he said anyway. Alec tried not to hate their youthfulness. Jace, he knew hadn't really had a childhood, it was only fair he had one now. And izzy was his baby sister. She deserved to have one too. Still sometimes , more and more, alec couldn't help thinking you're 14 now. It's time to grow up and stop being a baby. Alec never said it out loud. He hated himself for thinking it.

With his dad home and with max sleeping, alec assumed his parents didn't need his help anymore. He started slipping duties one at a time, just in case he was wrong. No one said anything. Alec focused more on his training, he hit the bullseye now. He never missed now. He had still never killed a demon. 

Alec was 16. Max was 2. His dad was home. Alec could relax more now right? Max was sick, he wasn't getting better. His mom and dad started to fight again. Alec and his siblings guide was giving his final report, they didn't need one to take them out on missions anymore. Alec was returning a report he had borrowed from his parents office, he was determined to learn the law. Every single one of them. He wasn't supposed to hear. 

"Jace and izzy are fantastic " their guide said. "I've never seen talent like theirs before!" 

"But?" Alecs dad asked, sounding like he dreaded what was coming next, but like it wouldn't surprise him. 

"Alecs very good with his bow." The guide started and alec fell into an abyss "but he's never killed a demon. And he doesn't show the same aptitude as the others. It doesn't matter how much he trains, it just doesn't sink in for him. It took him 4 years to master the bow. And his sword work is barely acceptable." 

Alec felt like dying. Their guide didn't say anything to alec as he left, even though is was clear alec would have heard every word, frozen as he was at the door. His father did not speak to him for a week. His parents fights got worse. 

Alec kept his head down during family dinners. Praying that his father wouldn't mention alec finding a nice girl. He always did. The longer he was here the more time he spent poking and digging at this spot. The longer he was here the more he pushed, he stopped accepting I'm busy as an excuse. His parents fights got worse and if his father didn't end the dinner by shouting at alec then it ended with both his parents in a screaming Match. Alec started skipping family meals more and more. Jace and Izzy came with him more often than not. They ate in the cafeteria. They ate on the run. Alec only felt a little bad for leaving max behind. But he still needed his parents and alec felt bad all the time. He couldn't muster any more to spare for his brother. 

One day, three months after his father got back, he said, casually as you please "alec I know you aren't busy so why haven't you met some nice girls? You're not still thinking you're gay are you? You chose the weirdest ways to rebell as a kid. Man the trouble we had explaining those rumors away. " and smiled like it was a joke he and his dad had together. Alec had managed to carefully construct a wall around himself, an illusion that he was straight and that he made his family proud. He could feel that illusion crumbling and cracking around him. He didn't know why he could taste ash in his mouth Alec got up and walked out of the institute and didn't come back for two days. 

Both his parents yelled at him for hours. They were just worried Izzy said later. I was worried.  
Jace was worried. 

"I'm sorry" alec said. And nothing else. Never anything else. He started disappearing more. Training more. He never went to family meals.He didn't bother with any of the head of the institute duties. Outside of Jace and Izzy alec stopped talking altogether. 

His parents were too busy screaming at each other and taking care of max to notice. It's not like he was a great conversationalist anyway. Not like it made much of a difference if he said anything or didn't. It's why he didn't. And continued to not say anything. Or that's why he told himself anyway. That nothing was wrong, alec just didn't have anything to say. He didn't he didn't he didnt. So why did he feel like screaming?) 

A week before his father would leave in the dead of night. Robert was yelling at him. A report has not been filed. The clave was asking questions. And it was alec's fault because it was a report on one of the patrols he Izzy and Jace had done. Izzy and Jace never filed the reports correctly so alec always did them. They told him what happened from their point of view and alec wrote it down. That's how it worked. That's how it has always worked. Last night, after patrol, alec had climbed out the window and left. He had gone to a secluded bridge that alec liked to scale and stand on top of. It was nice up there. Where nothing mattered because hey maybe he'd slip and fall and die anyway? Then he'd never have to worry every again. Alec had forgotten about the report. He had failed and now his family was in trouble again. 

"I met a girl!" Alec blurted out. "That's where I go when I leave the institute I'm meeting her" the lies just kept spilling out and alec didn't know why with every word the desire to cry became more and more persistent. "I know I messed up on the report. I'm really sorry dad. It won't happen again. " 

It was more words he had spoken to his dad in years. And his dad hadn't even noticed. 

Silence. Well. At least he wasn't being yelled at now. 

"Well. That's great alec." His dad sounded stilted and shocked. "But that's no excuse. Remember your duty alec" 

"I will" 

Alec wanted to die. 

Izzy beat him nearly black and blue "why didn't you tell me you met someone!!! I would have covered for you. " 

See? Alec was fine. Everything was fine. 

His dad left in the middle of the night. Urgent business back in Idris his mom said. 

"Alec will you?" She didn't need to finish the sentence. He was happy to help out his family. 

"I will" he said. And he did, once again taking up the head duties that his mother didn't have time for. Once again give orders to people at least 5 years older than he was. Alec spent more and more time at the bridge. More and more time training. Who needed to eat anyway? That's what the nourishment rune was for, who cared that it drew on his own strength? No one that's who. 

Alec thanked the angel that he was alone, on his way to the bridge, when he collapsed d not in front of Jace, his mom or any of the shadowhunters. Maybe he needed to eat more. He had started missing the bullseye again because he was shaking when he held his bow. Alec brushed himself off and the next day did the math for exactly how much he had to eat. He divided them up and set aside 30 minutes for each meal to eat it. He never grabbed anything else and he never took a snack break. Izzy and Jace teased him for being a health nut. His hands stop shaking and alec could breathe a little easier. Archery was all he was good at. He needed to be good at it. 

When alec was 17 he killed his first demon. And everyone, himself included breathed a little easier. The muttered whispers about "what if their fearless child leader wasnt right for the job" died down just a little. Alec stood just a little taller. 

When max was 4 his mom took him to Spain. They have people who can help him there. His mom said. 

"Go." Alec said. "We've got things here." 

"I know you do" his mom said. The closest thing to a compliment he had heard from her since he was 14 and she was saying I know you'll make us proud. 

Their father did not come back except for a day or two every couple months to give izzy a gift. But alec heard rumors that he went to Spain often. 

His parents didn't come back when max got better. 

"Max loves it here" his mom had said and "besides you've got things under control over there" 

He had things under control here. His institute. His. Time to start acting like it. Alec started meeting with the head of the departments. Started to implement his own policies. And people listened. Alec stopped visiting the bridge. 

Alec and his siblings called max together once a week. They never talked to their parents. 

Everything was fine. Wasn't it? Alec just had too keep telling himself that. It had worked for other things. It would work for this too. Everything was fine. It was it was… it had to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Alecs kind of an unreliable narrator in this.


End file.
